I have said this before and I will say it again...
When the baby comes your life is going to change forever! This isn't a bad thing. I can't help but think of "The Grinch Who Stole Christmas" when the Grinch's heart "grew three sizes that day". This is truly what parenthood feels like. In fact I remember posting on Facebook just two days after bringing my baby home "I didn't think my heart could grow this big". I posted this during the first of three regular nightly feedings, sleep deprived and exhausted. Regardless of how difficult it can be to get yourself out of bed in the middle of the night, you get to awaken to that sweet little being that you brought into this world and there is nothing better than that face.
With that said, I want to discuss some of the difficulties that come along with a baby in your day to day life. Some of this I have already covered in previous posts, but I want to talk about it again and hopefully offer some advice to help make things run a little more smoothly.
Before I dive into the issues I want to stress the importance of taking everything day by day. There will be many trials and miraculous events every day and if you can't learn to breath through them you're going to have a very difficult time. I had worked in child care for 5 years and at a charter school for 3 years before I had my daughter. My experience in child care was with infants and toddlers and I knew every trick in the book for soothing a fussy baby, putting babies to sleep, helping babies learn etc. But, my daughter didn't like any of it. It wasn't until a very dear friend of mine told me that her daughter was the same way and she just had to let go of everything she had ever known about babies and focus on her baby, that I realized maybe I was just putting too much pressure on myself.
That brings me to my next point, priorities. Just as you think you have it all figured out your little one is going to throw you a curve ball. Instead of doing all those things you thought you were going to have time to do that day you find yourself trying to calm a crying baby that suddenly doesn't like to be swaddled and bounced anymore. So prioritize your daily tasks. Obviously, the baby takes first priority, but if you're like me, it's difficult to relax when the house is a disaster. So I made cleaning my third priority and my personal hygiene my second priority (let's face it, no one likes a stinky mother). If the house was a mess but I hadn't showered in two days and it's noon and I haven't had time to brush my teeth and the baby is happy or sleeping, I would hop in the shower and brush my teeth. Then, if she was still happy, I would clean. If I didn't get to it before my husband got home I would ask him if he would prefer to take the baby or pick up the house. There were some days that didn't have time to shower. He didn't have a choice on those days, and I don't think he minded me showering so much.
The next thing that needs to be addressed is teamwork. You and your baby daddy are in this together. Make time in your day for both yourself and to discuss the day and how you can help each other more the next day. Remember that it is going to change a lot, so don't afraid to ask for help and to change the plan. Talk about what needs to be done the next day and give each other tasks. Don't put too much pressure on yourselves either, and if the list doesn't get done but you have a happy baby on your hands, pat yourself on the back because you're a great parent! Taking just 10-15 a night to talk about any problems you had that day, what is happening tomorrow and how you can fix it/make it easier really isn't difficult and it will help you breath a little.
To Be Continued...
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Intimacy Changes
This week I would like to discuss the changes that occur in the level of intimacy between a husband and wife after having a baby. I don't have much advice for the single parents out there, but maybe something I say could help in other aspects of you life. So bare with me here and please feel free to leave comments and suggestions. I want to hear all you have to say.
For those of you who don't know, you're not supposed to have physical intercourse for at least six weeks after having a baby. I remember about 2 weeks after having my daughter wondering why anyone would want anything to come near that area for months. But after a few more weeks went by I really started to miss having that close intimate feeling with my husband. Sure there are other ways to gain intimacy, but let's be honest here, for most of us prior to having children sex is the main dish in that department.
Ok, here's where I get all mushy gushy! After having my daughter, my husband and I felt a new kind of bond. Here was this amazing, beautiful baby that we had created together. She wasn't just ours she was a part of us is so many ways. That first two weeks that I didn't want anyone touching me, was spent bonding with my baby and my husband, simply discovering the newness of our lives. I became joyful simply watching my husband hold our daughter. This period is what is typically called the "Babymoon". I believe this to be an extremely important time for your new family. Unfortunately for some, this is also the time that everyone wants to come over and see the baby. For us, having all of our family and friends make goo goo eyes at our precious creation helped seal the bond. We did create certain rules though. We only had one family over at time and we had "visiting hours". We asked people to only come by during a set amount of time and to let us know in advance. This way it didn't feel too hectic. Also, another way to feel a little more comfortable is to only have people over that you don't feel you need to clean up for. Most people understand that your house will be messy and you may not have showered in a few days, but if you don't feel comfortable with someone seeing you like this, just say that it isn't a good time. Take those first few weeks to bond with your new family.
After the first two weeks it begins to set in that this is your life. In essence, reality starts to set in. If you remember from my previous post, sleep deprivation begins to become a problem, and, as I remember I started to wonder if my life would ever feel "normal" again. Don't get me wrong! I was still very much in love my baby and happy with my life, but I was starting to miss my husband.
From this point we decided to make an effort to spend one hour a week together after the baby was sleeping. It doesn't sound like much, but because we were so tired that was really all we could commit to at the moment. Some weeks it was really hard to stay awake, but we made the commitment and we really wanted to stick with it. We would usually just talk about the week and cuddle. Sometimes we would play a game or watch a movie. We would also try to find little ways throughout the week to connect. A kiss here, a hug there, making sure to say "I love you" A LOT! We made sure to eat dinner at the table and not in front of the TV. Sometimes the baby would be sleeping and sometimes she would be in her bouncer seat next to us at the table.
Finding the time to connect is probably the most difficult part. I can't stress organization enough. Get together for a few minutes every night to talk about your day. Plan the next day before bed and make sure to schedule both "me" time and "us" time.
One of the hardest parts about postpartum depression for me was the guilt I felt over many things. One of those guilty experiences had to do with taking time for myself. I knew that spending time with my husband was important. You have to stay connected in order to be good parents, but taking time for myself felt selfish. It's a little crazy I know. Then one day I saw something that said "Then one day, she decided to create the life of her dreams... while her child watched her every move." That's what it's all about. Parenting isn't about giving your child everything it's about teaching them that they can have all the love and beauty in the world and showing them the way.
For those of you who don't know, you're not supposed to have physical intercourse for at least six weeks after having a baby. I remember about 2 weeks after having my daughter wondering why anyone would want anything to come near that area for months. But after a few more weeks went by I really started to miss having that close intimate feeling with my husband. Sure there are other ways to gain intimacy, but let's be honest here, for most of us prior to having children sex is the main dish in that department.
Ok, here's where I get all mushy gushy! After having my daughter, my husband and I felt a new kind of bond. Here was this amazing, beautiful baby that we had created together. She wasn't just ours she was a part of us is so many ways. That first two weeks that I didn't want anyone touching me, was spent bonding with my baby and my husband, simply discovering the newness of our lives. I became joyful simply watching my husband hold our daughter. This period is what is typically called the "Babymoon". I believe this to be an extremely important time for your new family. Unfortunately for some, this is also the time that everyone wants to come over and see the baby. For us, having all of our family and friends make goo goo eyes at our precious creation helped seal the bond. We did create certain rules though. We only had one family over at time and we had "visiting hours". We asked people to only come by during a set amount of time and to let us know in advance. This way it didn't feel too hectic. Also, another way to feel a little more comfortable is to only have people over that you don't feel you need to clean up for. Most people understand that your house will be messy and you may not have showered in a few days, but if you don't feel comfortable with someone seeing you like this, just say that it isn't a good time. Take those first few weeks to bond with your new family.
After the first two weeks it begins to set in that this is your life. In essence, reality starts to set in. If you remember from my previous post, sleep deprivation begins to become a problem, and, as I remember I started to wonder if my life would ever feel "normal" again. Don't get me wrong! I was still very much in love my baby and happy with my life, but I was starting to miss my husband.
From this point we decided to make an effort to spend one hour a week together after the baby was sleeping. It doesn't sound like much, but because we were so tired that was really all we could commit to at the moment. Some weeks it was really hard to stay awake, but we made the commitment and we really wanted to stick with it. We would usually just talk about the week and cuddle. Sometimes we would play a game or watch a movie. We would also try to find little ways throughout the week to connect. A kiss here, a hug there, making sure to say "I love you" A LOT! We made sure to eat dinner at the table and not in front of the TV. Sometimes the baby would be sleeping and sometimes she would be in her bouncer seat next to us at the table.
Finding the time to connect is probably the most difficult part. I can't stress organization enough. Get together for a few minutes every night to talk about your day. Plan the next day before bed and make sure to schedule both "me" time and "us" time.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)