I have said this before and I will say it again...
When the baby comes your life is going to change forever! This isn't a bad thing. I can't help but think of "The Grinch Who Stole Christmas" when the Grinch's heart "grew three sizes that day". This is truly what parenthood feels like. In fact I remember posting on Facebook just two days after bringing my baby home "I didn't think my heart could grow this big". I posted this during the first of three regular nightly feedings, sleep deprived and exhausted. Regardless of how difficult it can be to get yourself out of bed in the middle of the night, you get to awaken to that sweet little being that you brought into this world and there is nothing better than that face.
With that said, I want to discuss some of the difficulties that come along with a baby in your day to day life. Some of this I have already covered in previous posts, but I want to talk about it again and hopefully offer some advice to help make things run a little more smoothly.
Before I dive into the issues I want to stress the importance of taking everything day by day. There will be many trials and miraculous events every day and if you can't learn to breath through them you're going to have a very difficult time. I had worked in child care for 5 years and at a charter school for 3 years before I had my daughter. My experience in child care was with infants and toddlers and I knew every trick in the book for soothing a fussy baby, putting babies to sleep, helping babies learn etc. But, my daughter didn't like any of it. It wasn't until a very dear friend of mine told me that her daughter was the same way and she just had to let go of everything she had ever known about babies and focus on her baby, that I realized maybe I was just putting too much pressure on myself.
That brings me to my next point, priorities. Just as you think you have it all figured out your little one is going to throw you a curve ball. Instead of doing all those things you thought you were going to have time to do that day you find yourself trying to calm a crying baby that suddenly doesn't like to be swaddled and bounced anymore. So prioritize your daily tasks. Obviously, the baby takes first priority, but if you're like me, it's difficult to relax when the house is a disaster. So I made cleaning my third priority and my personal hygiene my second priority (let's face it, no one likes a stinky mother). If the house was a mess but I hadn't showered in two days and it's noon and I haven't had time to brush my teeth and the baby is happy or sleeping, I would hop in the shower and brush my teeth. Then, if she was still happy, I would clean. If I didn't get to it before my husband got home I would ask him if he would prefer to take the baby or pick up the house. There were some days that didn't have time to shower. He didn't have a choice on those days, and I don't think he minded me showering so much.
The next thing that needs to be addressed is teamwork. You and your baby daddy are in this together. Make time in your day for both yourself and to discuss the day and how you can help each other more the next day. Remember that it is going to change a lot, so don't afraid to ask for help and to change the plan. Talk about what needs to be done the next day and give each other tasks. Don't put too much pressure on yourselves either, and if the list doesn't get done but you have a happy baby on your hands, pat yourself on the back because you're a great parent! Taking just 10-15 a night to talk about any problems you had that day, what is happening tomorrow and how you can fix it/make it easier really isn't difficult and it will help you breath a little.
To Be Continued...
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Intimacy Changes
This week I would like to discuss the changes that occur in the level of intimacy between a husband and wife after having a baby. I don't have much advice for the single parents out there, but maybe something I say could help in other aspects of you life. So bare with me here and please feel free to leave comments and suggestions. I want to hear all you have to say.
For those of you who don't know, you're not supposed to have physical intercourse for at least six weeks after having a baby. I remember about 2 weeks after having my daughter wondering why anyone would want anything to come near that area for months. But after a few more weeks went by I really started to miss having that close intimate feeling with my husband. Sure there are other ways to gain intimacy, but let's be honest here, for most of us prior to having children sex is the main dish in that department.
Ok, here's where I get all mushy gushy! After having my daughter, my husband and I felt a new kind of bond. Here was this amazing, beautiful baby that we had created together. She wasn't just ours she was a part of us is so many ways. That first two weeks that I didn't want anyone touching me, was spent bonding with my baby and my husband, simply discovering the newness of our lives. I became joyful simply watching my husband hold our daughter. This period is what is typically called the "Babymoon". I believe this to be an extremely important time for your new family. Unfortunately for some, this is also the time that everyone wants to come over and see the baby. For us, having all of our family and friends make goo goo eyes at our precious creation helped seal the bond. We did create certain rules though. We only had one family over at time and we had "visiting hours". We asked people to only come by during a set amount of time and to let us know in advance. This way it didn't feel too hectic. Also, another way to feel a little more comfortable is to only have people over that you don't feel you need to clean up for. Most people understand that your house will be messy and you may not have showered in a few days, but if you don't feel comfortable with someone seeing you like this, just say that it isn't a good time. Take those first few weeks to bond with your new family.
After the first two weeks it begins to set in that this is your life. In essence, reality starts to set in. If you remember from my previous post, sleep deprivation begins to become a problem, and, as I remember I started to wonder if my life would ever feel "normal" again. Don't get me wrong! I was still very much in love my baby and happy with my life, but I was starting to miss my husband.
From this point we decided to make an effort to spend one hour a week together after the baby was sleeping. It doesn't sound like much, but because we were so tired that was really all we could commit to at the moment. Some weeks it was really hard to stay awake, but we made the commitment and we really wanted to stick with it. We would usually just talk about the week and cuddle. Sometimes we would play a game or watch a movie. We would also try to find little ways throughout the week to connect. A kiss here, a hug there, making sure to say "I love you" A LOT! We made sure to eat dinner at the table and not in front of the TV. Sometimes the baby would be sleeping and sometimes she would be in her bouncer seat next to us at the table.
Finding the time to connect is probably the most difficult part. I can't stress organization enough. Get together for a few minutes every night to talk about your day. Plan the next day before bed and make sure to schedule both "me" time and "us" time.
One of the hardest parts about postpartum depression for me was the guilt I felt over many things. One of those guilty experiences had to do with taking time for myself. I knew that spending time with my husband was important. You have to stay connected in order to be good parents, but taking time for myself felt selfish. It's a little crazy I know. Then one day I saw something that said "Then one day, she decided to create the life of her dreams... while her child watched her every move." That's what it's all about. Parenting isn't about giving your child everything it's about teaching them that they can have all the love and beauty in the world and showing them the way.
For those of you who don't know, you're not supposed to have physical intercourse for at least six weeks after having a baby. I remember about 2 weeks after having my daughter wondering why anyone would want anything to come near that area for months. But after a few more weeks went by I really started to miss having that close intimate feeling with my husband. Sure there are other ways to gain intimacy, but let's be honest here, for most of us prior to having children sex is the main dish in that department.
Ok, here's where I get all mushy gushy! After having my daughter, my husband and I felt a new kind of bond. Here was this amazing, beautiful baby that we had created together. She wasn't just ours she was a part of us is so many ways. That first two weeks that I didn't want anyone touching me, was spent bonding with my baby and my husband, simply discovering the newness of our lives. I became joyful simply watching my husband hold our daughter. This period is what is typically called the "Babymoon". I believe this to be an extremely important time for your new family. Unfortunately for some, this is also the time that everyone wants to come over and see the baby. For us, having all of our family and friends make goo goo eyes at our precious creation helped seal the bond. We did create certain rules though. We only had one family over at time and we had "visiting hours". We asked people to only come by during a set amount of time and to let us know in advance. This way it didn't feel too hectic. Also, another way to feel a little more comfortable is to only have people over that you don't feel you need to clean up for. Most people understand that your house will be messy and you may not have showered in a few days, but if you don't feel comfortable with someone seeing you like this, just say that it isn't a good time. Take those first few weeks to bond with your new family.
After the first two weeks it begins to set in that this is your life. In essence, reality starts to set in. If you remember from my previous post, sleep deprivation begins to become a problem, and, as I remember I started to wonder if my life would ever feel "normal" again. Don't get me wrong! I was still very much in love my baby and happy with my life, but I was starting to miss my husband.
From this point we decided to make an effort to spend one hour a week together after the baby was sleeping. It doesn't sound like much, but because we were so tired that was really all we could commit to at the moment. Some weeks it was really hard to stay awake, but we made the commitment and we really wanted to stick with it. We would usually just talk about the week and cuddle. Sometimes we would play a game or watch a movie. We would also try to find little ways throughout the week to connect. A kiss here, a hug there, making sure to say "I love you" A LOT! We made sure to eat dinner at the table and not in front of the TV. Sometimes the baby would be sleeping and sometimes she would be in her bouncer seat next to us at the table.
Finding the time to connect is probably the most difficult part. I can't stress organization enough. Get together for a few minutes every night to talk about your day. Plan the next day before bed and make sure to schedule both "me" time and "us" time.
Monday, December 17, 2012
Sleep Deprivation
When one (or two) decides to have a baby they begin to prepare themselves for many changes. I think that no matter how prepared you are you can never really prepare yourself for what is coming. Everyone tells you that. I probably heard a thousand times that no one could explain how exactly my world was going to change. I really thought that I was prepared.
I think the first thing that comes to mind when thinking about having a baby is sleep deprivation. Everyone expects to be up in the night with the baby for some amount of time. In fact it is one of the most common questions, "Is the baby sleeping through the night?", or "How old was the baby when they started sleeping through the night?". Everyone has a different answer to this question, and every baby is inevitably different. What isn't common knowledge, however, are the effects that sleep deprivation has on us. Sure, we understand that we will be tired, maybe a little grumpy, these things are common and clear. But what about the way sleep deprivation effects our brain?
REM sleep is thought to be the brain's restorative period. It is believed that this is the time when the brain consolidates all the information obtained during the day. Without it we would have a very difficult time remembering new information. Makes more sense now why your teachers always told you to get a good night's sleep before a test huh? Moderate sleep deprivation is considered to be getting between 4-6 hours of sleep per night for 2 straight weeks or more. I think we can all agree that even the best nights with a newborn only allow for 6 hours of sleep and that this pattern continues for most of us, longer than 2 straight weeks. Individuals in these situations begin to show the same symptoms of someone experiencing total sleep deprivation for 3 days in a row. These symptoms include decreased attention (which also aides in memory loss), decreased reaction speed, behavioral deficits (including irritability), cognitive deficits (difficulty concentrating and episodes of disorientation), and a compromised immune system. The strangest part is that individuals experiencing moderate sleep deprivation walk around feeling as though nothing is wrong. They don't even really feel sleepy.
I'm sure all of you have experienced at least some, if not all, of these symptoms while raising a newborn baby. I know I have! But to be honest I didn't realize I was until I was reading up on the effects of sleep deprivation for a class I was taking. Sure there were days that I drank about 14 cups of coffee and still didn't feel as though I could keep my eyes open, but for the most part I felt just fine. For a long time I was the one in charge of taking care of the finances, and after having my daughter I continued to "take charge" of this part of our lives. Unfortunately, I made many mistakes. Thinking that I was of sound mind I paid the bills as usual and weeks later realized that I hadn't paid two bills and paid another one twice in the same month. I actually paid one bill three times in the same month. Honestly, this was the least of my problems at the time. I attributed these little lapses of judgement to "pregnancy brain" or "baby brain" when in reality it was "sleep debt brain".
This isn't something that is talked about in baby classes or books. I remember reading that I should sleep when the baby sleeps, but as reality hit it became clear that this wasn't possible very often. When the baby finally goes down for a nap, I finally have a chance to use the bathroom, eat, wash all the dirty bottles in the sink and throw that load of laundry in the washer. Then I can sleep... oh! I guess not! Baby is awake again and needs to be changed and fed. And what about when the baby falls asleep in the car? Should I pull over and take a nap on the side of the road? Probably not. Some people get help from family members or friends. Yes they can help with the laundry or take the baby for an hour so you can get some shut eye, but if the baby cries at all, how can you sleep? I always felt guilty and either got up or just laid there with my eyes closed. Not much help. Unless you have someone home with you all the time (your mother, nanny, or your husband works from home maybe) to help with all the cleaning, and there is a lot of additional cleaning when baby comes along, then you're probably not going to be able to get much of a nap in during the day.
That brings me to my next point of discussion... sleep recovery. It's much more complicated than you would think. If anyone has ever taken a nap when they are completely exhausted and woken up feeling less refreshed than they did before they slept, you will understand this next point. There are 5 stages of sleep that flow in a rhythm. You go in and out of each sleep stage while you sleep during the night and the order and flow of each stage is extremely important for adequate brain restoration. Once someone has reached the point of moderate sleep deprivation recovering can be pretty tricky. During recovery sleep time spent in stages 3 and 4 is greater than normal, this is at the expense of stage 2 sleep. Now, REM sleep is the most important part of brain restoration and it isn't until the SECOND night of recovery sleep that REM becomes more intense.
What does this mean? It means that you need AT LEAST two nights of deep sleep in a row, in order to fully recover. My solution to this (after I stopped nursing) was to take a sleeping pill on Friday and Saturday nights and allow my husband to get up with the baby. He would get up with her anyway on the weekends, but usually I would wake up too and lay there awake listening to make sure he was OK. Not that he wasn't good, I just needed to be sure. Before I stopped nursing my husband would wake up with the baby on the weekends and let me sleep in until she had to nurse.
I'm sure that there are many other options, especially for the single parents out there. But I do think that it is important to understand what sleep deprivation can do to you and recognize when it may be time to ask for help. If you can't get yourself some recovery sleep once a week or so, at least learn to delegate some of the important decisions and aspects of your life to a trustworthy individual. Maybe set up automatic payments for your bills before the baby comes so you can just keep an eye on your account. And certainly don't do anything rash, like decide to move or max out your credit cards.
I hope this helps at least some of you and I hope you can learn to laugh at the many silly things you do while you're sleep deprived. (I argued with my husband for three days straight about spit up... yeah!)
References
Breedlove, S. M., Watson, N. V., & Rosenzweig, M. R. (2010). Biological psychology. (6th ed.). Sunderland, MA: Sinauer Associates, Inc.
I think the first thing that comes to mind when thinking about having a baby is sleep deprivation. Everyone expects to be up in the night with the baby for some amount of time. In fact it is one of the most common questions, "Is the baby sleeping through the night?", or "How old was the baby when they started sleeping through the night?". Everyone has a different answer to this question, and every baby is inevitably different. What isn't common knowledge, however, are the effects that sleep deprivation has on us. Sure, we understand that we will be tired, maybe a little grumpy, these things are common and clear. But what about the way sleep deprivation effects our brain?
REM sleep is thought to be the brain's restorative period. It is believed that this is the time when the brain consolidates all the information obtained during the day. Without it we would have a very difficult time remembering new information. Makes more sense now why your teachers always told you to get a good night's sleep before a test huh? Moderate sleep deprivation is considered to be getting between 4-6 hours of sleep per night for 2 straight weeks or more. I think we can all agree that even the best nights with a newborn only allow for 6 hours of sleep and that this pattern continues for most of us, longer than 2 straight weeks. Individuals in these situations begin to show the same symptoms of someone experiencing total sleep deprivation for 3 days in a row. These symptoms include decreased attention (which also aides in memory loss), decreased reaction speed, behavioral deficits (including irritability), cognitive deficits (difficulty concentrating and episodes of disorientation), and a compromised immune system. The strangest part is that individuals experiencing moderate sleep deprivation walk around feeling as though nothing is wrong. They don't even really feel sleepy.
I'm sure all of you have experienced at least some, if not all, of these symptoms while raising a newborn baby. I know I have! But to be honest I didn't realize I was until I was reading up on the effects of sleep deprivation for a class I was taking. Sure there were days that I drank about 14 cups of coffee and still didn't feel as though I could keep my eyes open, but for the most part I felt just fine. For a long time I was the one in charge of taking care of the finances, and after having my daughter I continued to "take charge" of this part of our lives. Unfortunately, I made many mistakes. Thinking that I was of sound mind I paid the bills as usual and weeks later realized that I hadn't paid two bills and paid another one twice in the same month. I actually paid one bill three times in the same month. Honestly, this was the least of my problems at the time. I attributed these little lapses of judgement to "pregnancy brain" or "baby brain" when in reality it was "sleep debt brain".
This isn't something that is talked about in baby classes or books. I remember reading that I should sleep when the baby sleeps, but as reality hit it became clear that this wasn't possible very often. When the baby finally goes down for a nap, I finally have a chance to use the bathroom, eat, wash all the dirty bottles in the sink and throw that load of laundry in the washer. Then I can sleep... oh! I guess not! Baby is awake again and needs to be changed and fed. And what about when the baby falls asleep in the car? Should I pull over and take a nap on the side of the road? Probably not. Some people get help from family members or friends. Yes they can help with the laundry or take the baby for an hour so you can get some shut eye, but if the baby cries at all, how can you sleep? I always felt guilty and either got up or just laid there with my eyes closed. Not much help. Unless you have someone home with you all the time (your mother, nanny, or your husband works from home maybe) to help with all the cleaning, and there is a lot of additional cleaning when baby comes along, then you're probably not going to be able to get much of a nap in during the day.
That brings me to my next point of discussion... sleep recovery. It's much more complicated than you would think. If anyone has ever taken a nap when they are completely exhausted and woken up feeling less refreshed than they did before they slept, you will understand this next point. There are 5 stages of sleep that flow in a rhythm. You go in and out of each sleep stage while you sleep during the night and the order and flow of each stage is extremely important for adequate brain restoration. Once someone has reached the point of moderate sleep deprivation recovering can be pretty tricky. During recovery sleep time spent in stages 3 and 4 is greater than normal, this is at the expense of stage 2 sleep. Now, REM sleep is the most important part of brain restoration and it isn't until the SECOND night of recovery sleep that REM becomes more intense.
What does this mean? It means that you need AT LEAST two nights of deep sleep in a row, in order to fully recover. My solution to this (after I stopped nursing) was to take a sleeping pill on Friday and Saturday nights and allow my husband to get up with the baby. He would get up with her anyway on the weekends, but usually I would wake up too and lay there awake listening to make sure he was OK. Not that he wasn't good, I just needed to be sure. Before I stopped nursing my husband would wake up with the baby on the weekends and let me sleep in until she had to nurse.
I'm sure that there are many other options, especially for the single parents out there. But I do think that it is important to understand what sleep deprivation can do to you and recognize when it may be time to ask for help. If you can't get yourself some recovery sleep once a week or so, at least learn to delegate some of the important decisions and aspects of your life to a trustworthy individual. Maybe set up automatic payments for your bills before the baby comes so you can just keep an eye on your account. And certainly don't do anything rash, like decide to move or max out your credit cards.
I hope this helps at least some of you and I hope you can learn to laugh at the many silly things you do while you're sleep deprived. (I argued with my husband for three days straight about spit up... yeah!)
References
Breedlove, S. M., Watson, N. V., & Rosenzweig, M. R. (2010). Biological psychology. (6th ed.). Sunderland, MA: Sinauer Associates, Inc.
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Stages of PPD
In the beginning I decided that this was just what motherhood was like. I felt as though I just needed to accept that this was my life and I would be OK with it and soon be happy again. But, happiness didn't come to me as easily as it used it. It used to be easy for me to pull myself out of a funk. I then started attributing my sadness to everything in my life that wasn't going according to plan. I had a hard time nursing, I had medical issues that resulted in surgery, financial issues that come along with having a baby, my family was changing in so many way, and I just kept thinking that I would feel better when each of these things worked themselves out.
My anxiety got worse as I tried to fix all the problems in my life and as they were fixed and the anxiety didn't stop I starting thinking that maybe I had more of a problem than I thought. As I started looking into the signs and symptoms of PPD I started to notice that not only did I have most of the symptoms, I had been making excuses for them. As soon as I was able to admit that I had a problem that I couldn't handle on my own (something very difficult for a mom to do) I began taking the necessary steps to get better.
I think that the process of discovery was the most difficult part for me. Now that I know I have a problem the thoughts and feelings are easier to control. For instance, I had a severe fear of choking. I was worried that my daughter was going to choke on her binky. So much so that I didn't like to leave her alone with her binky. A BINKY!!!! I knew it was crazy but I couldn't stop it. Now I can at least recognize the irrational thoughts and talk myself out of it.
What are some of the irrational thoughts you've had and what do you do to help calm yourself down?http://www.postpartumprogress.com/six-things-the-6-stages-of-postpartum-depression
My anxiety got worse as I tried to fix all the problems in my life and as they were fixed and the anxiety didn't stop I starting thinking that maybe I had more of a problem than I thought. As I started looking into the signs and symptoms of PPD I started to notice that not only did I have most of the symptoms, I had been making excuses for them. As soon as I was able to admit that I had a problem that I couldn't handle on my own (something very difficult for a mom to do) I began taking the necessary steps to get better.
I think that the process of discovery was the most difficult part for me. Now that I know I have a problem the thoughts and feelings are easier to control. For instance, I had a severe fear of choking. I was worried that my daughter was going to choke on her binky. So much so that I didn't like to leave her alone with her binky. A BINKY!!!! I knew it was crazy but I couldn't stop it. Now I can at least recognize the irrational thoughts and talk myself out of it.
What are some of the irrational thoughts you've had and what do you do to help calm yourself down?http://www.postpartumprogress.com/six-things-the-6-stages-of-postpartum-depression
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Postpartum Depression
I had a picture in my mind about what motherhood would be like. I knew the signs of postpartum depression and I explained it to my husband so he would be able to look for them, just in case I wasn't able to recognize it in myself. I never really thought it would be me. Here is my experience...
When I finally realized that I had a problem that I couldn't solve myself I sought medical advice. When it was confirmed that I was suffering from postpartum depression I began taking medication and found a therapist that specializes in woman's issues. I told very few people. I felt as though I would be judged, as if having postpartum depression would mean that I am bad mother. I was worried that everyone would start tip toeing around me, worried that they were going to set me off somehow. This could not have been further from the truth.
I'm a great mom. My daughter is sometimes the only thing that gets me out of bed in the morning. And that is the truth. Even though I am suffering right now, I would do it all over again in a heartbeat. I can't fully express what she means to me, but those of you with children will understand.
Depression isn't something I can explain to someone who hasn't been through it. This is like nothing I have ever experienced before. I'm anxious all the time. I worry about everything. I feel as though the floor is falling out from underneath me and there is nothing I can do to stop it. Even now, as I type, I am afraid of posting. I'm afraid of the world knowing what I am going through. But at the same time, if I can help one person understand, if I can give one person the oppurtunity for support and comfort then it will have been worth it. My hope is that this will be a starting point for those suffering from depression to feel comfortable talking about their issues with those who can be supportive. http://www.postpartumprogress.com/
When I finally realized that I had a problem that I couldn't solve myself I sought medical advice. When it was confirmed that I was suffering from postpartum depression I began taking medication and found a therapist that specializes in woman's issues. I told very few people. I felt as though I would be judged, as if having postpartum depression would mean that I am bad mother. I was worried that everyone would start tip toeing around me, worried that they were going to set me off somehow. This could not have been further from the truth.
I'm a great mom. My daughter is sometimes the only thing that gets me out of bed in the morning. And that is the truth. Even though I am suffering right now, I would do it all over again in a heartbeat. I can't fully express what she means to me, but those of you with children will understand.
Depression isn't something I can explain to someone who hasn't been through it. This is like nothing I have ever experienced before. I'm anxious all the time. I worry about everything. I feel as though the floor is falling out from underneath me and there is nothing I can do to stop it. Even now, as I type, I am afraid of posting. I'm afraid of the world knowing what I am going through. But at the same time, if I can help one person understand, if I can give one person the oppurtunity for support and comfort then it will have been worth it. My hope is that this will be a starting point for those suffering from depression to feel comfortable talking about their issues with those who can be supportive. http://www.postpartumprogress.com/
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